Where Is My Daddy

When you’re a single parent, you always feel like there’s a piece of your life missing.  You wake up alone, you go to bed alone.  You maintain your home alone, you take of your child alone.  Alone becomes a part of your daily routine.  One day your child asks for daddy, the missing piece of the puzzle in their mind. How do you handle their question?  

We end up as single parents for many reasons, death, poor choices, abandonment or immaturity either on our part or our partner’s. It can be a devastating experience being left to raise your child alone or choosing to raise your child alone because you know you’re better off. Whatever the reason, it requires stamina and endurance when you find yourself alone.  It also requires you to think before you speak to your child/children on daddy’s or mommy’s whereabouts. I read a post from a blogger who said she told her child you don’t have a daddy. That response affected me deeply.  It affected me deeply because I felt her pain.  I understood where she was coming from, but I wondered if she really understood what she just told her child. 

I want to share how I handled the situation with my daughter with the single moms out there. The first thing that I decided was that I would never speak negatively of my daughter’s father in her presence.  Now I would let that SOB have it during phone conversations or when I was speaking to a friend, but never in my daughter’s presence.  What good would that do?  I made a decision to not project my anger or pain onto my child.  When you tell you child that they don’t have a dad that’s exactly what you’re doing.  Regardless of how we feel about the absent father, our child didn’t get here by a stork.  They were conceived, so they do have a dad.  He’s simply MIA.    

I decided to tell my child that dad wasn’t here when she asked where he was.  A simple “he’s not here” often did the trick at least temporarily.  I would explain that it was just the two of us and we would be just fine. I also told her that he loved her, because he did and does.  He wasn’t in a position to show it at the time.  I don’t know if it eased her fear or pain of not having him in her life, but I knew it was better than telling her that he didn’t exist. I also thought it was best for me to leave the door open for him to reappear. People do grow up and have a change of heart. I thought it would confuse her even more if he decided to be a part of her life down the road and I had told her he didn’t exist. I didn’t want her to think negatively of me because I had lied to her or look back and realize that I was an angry, bitter person because he wasn’t there. As single mothers, we don’t want things to backfire. We must accept our situation and move forward with a positive attitude.   

As she got older, I explained my relationship with her dad. Through it all, I never spoke negative of him.  I explained that things just didn’t work out between us. We went our separate ways and I didn’t regret it. I reinforced that she was the best thing that ever happened to me and the years that he had missed was his loss.  I wanted her to form her own opinion.  I knew one day their path would cross and he did exactly what I thought he would do, he came back into the picture when she was 15.  This is why I believe that as single mothers, we should never tell our children that they don’t have a dad.  How do you explain to your child that you’ve lied to them if they do resurface? Daddy made you do it?    
As my daughter got older, I eventually build a relationship with his mom, aunts and cousins. My daughter became close to his family members too; however, she flipped the script.  She dismissed him.  She choose not to have a relationship with him, he ended up on the outside looking in. Isn’t it amazing how things work out.  She continued her education, married her college sweetheart and had 2 beautiful children while he suffered because he was not a part of it. I think it’s important to be honest with our children and allow them to make their choices and form their own opinions when they get old enough to fully comprehend the situation. Either they will work it out or they will continue to go their separate ways.  

Just as important, letting go of the anger and bitterness of a failed relationship frees you to see things clearly and it allows you to become a great mother. Don’t spend time wondering why they don’t want to be a part of their child’s life.  Don’t spend time wondering why they didn’t love you.  It is what it is. Life deals us a hand of cards and we must play them.  There will be times when we will have a winning hand and other times we will have to fold. Lay that bad hand on the table and wish them well.  

God places us in the positions that we need to be in.  It takes time to figure things out, but you must have a clear head so you can see where you need to be.  He could have placed you in your position to be a leader for other single mothers, so be the best single mother that you can be. He could have placed you in your position to strengthen you for another use in this life; I don’t know.  I do know that negativity is an obstacle and it will make your journey difficult if you don’t get rid of it.  You must rise above your situation ladies, rise above it.   

Photo courtesy of stockvault.net

Inspirational Quote – Single Parents

10 Tips for Single Parents

parenting tips, single parenting
Raising children as a single parent, whether you’re a mother or father, can be exhausting.  It takes focus, strength and determination to succeed, but it can be done.  If we accept that each and every one of us are where we are because of decisions that we’ve made, we will be more willing to make better decisions.  Life doesn’t have an eraser, and as long as we continue to make bad choices we will come up short. Life is not perfect, we will all fail from time to time.  Don’t let poor decision making n’t be what’s driving you if you change your attitude and perspective.  

When you decide to change courses, drive will be what takes you from Point A to Point B and beyond.  If you don’t have any drive get some.  You must be willing to dig deep inside of yourself when you feel you can’t go on and you must be willing to make sacrifices.  Life isn’t easy, and the world doesn’t owe you anything because of you’re a single parent.     

I have educated myself, went up the Corporate Ladder, purchased a home, have a savings, take several vacations a year, college educated my daughter, and I’ve done it all as a single mother. This is not a boast, it is a fact.  You have to decide how you want to live and want kind of life style you want to offer your child.  I decided that I would not have others pay for my choices and whoa me would not become a part of my mind set or vocabulary. I wanted to set a great example for my daughter.  I wanted her to have every opportunity available to her in this great country, and I didn’t ever want the words “I didn’t have an opportunity because my mom is a single parent” to come out of her mouth.       

Most importantly, I was determined to not allow my judgement in a relationship to define who I was as a person or as a mother.  I refused to allow myself to fall into the stereotypes that society has set aside for single mothers. Have you noticed that single dads are praised for their endeavors, but women are looked at differently?  Unfair maybe, but it is indeed a fact. I refused to depend on the system to take care of me or my child.  I have no regrets about my decision!  I believe the system should be a stepping stone if it’s going to be used.  Many may disagree, but that is my belief and I’m sticking to it.  

Here  my tips to help you succeed as a single parent: 

  • Start with you.  Decide that you’re going to make it and nothing will stop you. You have to be focused and determined. 
  • When the going gets tough, dig deep within and find the strength.  Know the strength is there and your child or children need you to plow on. 
  • Listen to your intuition.  It is usually right.  I’ve lost count of the number of times I looked the other way when I should have been paying attention to that little voice inside.  
  • Decide that you’re going to be a good example for your children.  –  Become the person that you would like them to be.  (Think about the characteristics that are important to you, honesty, reliable, etc.)  
  • Remember the world doesn’t owe you anything. – You need to make your mark and become self sufficient. You’ll feel much better about yourself.  
  • Come up with a plan –  You must plan in order to be successful.  Decide what you want to do and what you need to do to accomplish your goals.      
  • Find support either on-line or in your community.   – You’re not alone.   
  • Always make your children a priority.   – You can balance a job and your home.  Women do it every day.  If you need to enhance your skills before seeking a job, get in a program where you can get assistance.  Finding balance is key.  
  • Don’t neglect yourself.  – You need to feel good about yourself.  When you feel good about yourself you’ll achieve more.  
  • Find a higher power or church. – It’s important that you believe in someone or something other than you.  You will be calling on them for strength and support along your journey.     
Please share some of your struggles and how you’ve overcome them as a single mother.  There may be someone who can relate and build on your tips.  


My On-line Dating Experience

on-line dating

Would you join an on-line dating site?  Dating sites are everywhere.  There’s e-Harmony, Black People Meet, Christian Singles, Match.com, Single Parent Love and the list goes on.  Lets face it, so many things have changed.  Social media has changed the way we live our life.  We meet friends on Facebook, Twitter and blogs.  Why not a dating site.  Balancing life as a single parent, maintaining a full time job, maintaining a home, getting the kids to soccer, football, or ballet leaves little time for a social life.  It can actually leave you exhausted. 

Single parents or non-parents are turning to on-line dating.  Mainly singles who aren’t interested in going to bars or clubs or are finding it difficult to meet someone on their level are curling up with a glass of wine and their laptop and experimenting on-line.  There are many who are shy or have been out of the dating scene for some time and they are unsure of how to connect to another person who feel comfortable in the confines of their home.  There are many reasons singles are heading to on-line dating sites.  There have been many successful connections.  One of my co-workers met her now husband on line. 

I decided to experiment with on-line dating.  I’m past the bar and club scenes, I so decided WTH.  When joining, you’re required to set-up a profile. Of course it helps to add a picture, an up to date picture.  I followed the instructions and waited for the fun to begin.  You’re billed monthly for your membership and can access the site whenever you choose.  You can IM with other members and receive emails.  If or when comfortable, you can exchange phone numbers or agree to meet for a date.  I met several men, I’ll take you through my experience with each. 

The first man who expressed interest lived in my town.  We spent time getting to know each other on line, but I gave up on him after a week.   Getting to know him was like pulling teeth.    He revealed little about himself, and most of his conversation revolved around sex or sexual positions.  Now I’m all for good sex, but not while I’m getting to know you the first week.  Good-bye pervert! 

Next, I met someone who seem promising.  He lived about an hour away and we had great conversations via the phone for about a month.  We agreed to meet.  When I arrived it was clear that he had been drinking, I could smell the alcohol when we shook hands. This wasn’t someone who had a few at the bar waiting for my arrival.  I think he soaked in it the night before.  Did I mention he showed up at our meeting with 2 golf buddies.  Two immediate turn offs for me.  At this point in my life, I’m not interested in a grown man who still sucks the bottle.  Secondly, if you’re not man enough to go out on a date without a chaperon, you’re not man enough to be with me.  I left and stopped accepting his calls.   

The third and last man that I met on-line I actually thought there was potential.  The first date went well, and there was a physical attraction.  He actually excited me, and got the juices flowing.  He seemed to have himself together financially, he had helped to raise his 3 daughters, had a beautiful home, and attended church regularly.  We had many things in common.  We both loved wine tastings, antiques, dining out and traveling.  As time went on, he began to show his true colors.  None of which I liked.  He couldn’t make a commitment if his life depended on it.  He lied, asked me for thousands of dollars and became angry when I said no.  I couldn’t believe this fool thought he was that good or I was so stupid or desperate that I would give him my hard earned money.  His love was conditional, if you let me get into your pants pockets, I’ll love you.  He was pathetic.  He even lied about  his age.  Now when you lie about your age, you will lie about anything.   I asked him if he saw stupid tattooed across my forehead or if there was a sign in my yard that said Bank of Rhonda.

My first red flag was the lying.  He couldn’t keep his stories straight.  The second red flag was the fact that his children rarely visited.  Their flights would have taken 2  hours and he lived 20 minutes from the airport.  They didn’t show up for his birthday, Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Not even a visit during the summer.   When a man who you’re not married to or living with asks you for thousands of dollars.  Run as fast as you can.  Needless to say this went nowhere fast.

After 3 strikes, I cancelled my membership.  For you ladies who are interested in on-line dating, don’t let my negative experience discourage you.  There are many ladies who have been successful.  I just didn’t have the endurance to continue meeting losers on-line.  I am thankful to say that I have met someone and not on-line.  I was introduced by a family member and it’s going great. 

As a single mother, I wanted to share my on-line experience with my readers. Not to discourage you, but to let everyone know that modern technology doesn’t always work.  Sometimes the good old fashioned way is the answer.  Have you tried on-line dating?  Let us know your experience or how you feel about the subject.  We would love to hear from.  

Would You Have A One Night Stand?

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I had drinks with my girls over the week-end.  We always engage in interesting conversations during our gatherings and this week-end was no exception.   The single ladies debated whether they would have a one night stand or hook up.   Several said they would and several said they would not.  Wondering what my position was?  I said no regardless of whether a condom was used or not. 
As much as I enjoy sex, I was not that trusting of another person at this stage of my life.  Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that 2 consenting adults should do whatever turns them on.  I’m just not willing to put my life in the hands of someone for an organism.  I understand that dating as a single parent can be difficult and hooking up is an option, but personally I don’t believe that a one night stand would be satisfying. 

Twenty years ago my position may have been different as a single woman, but I’m just to afraid to take this kind of chance now.  Several of the single ladies believed that a condom would prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.  I stated that condoms were not 100%.  They do break at times, and it would be my luck that I would be the one that it would happen to. 

I’ve found that as I’ve gotten older and a little wiser, my outlook on life has changed.  My willingness to take chances has dwindled and I’m more cautious with who I socialize with.  The fact that I have a security clearance also plays a role in that.  My job requires a credit and background check, so it’s important that I come out squeaky clean and disease free.  

I also believe that my years as a teenage mother plays a role in my perspective.  I have learned to choose wisely or at least put some thought into my decision making.  This includes my sexual encounters.  Would you have a one night stand if you were single?