How to Empower Yourself Emotionally

November 17, 2014 by
Did you that people use emotional intelligent to achieve their goals and to build businesses.  When I went into management many years ago, I learned that my emotional intelligence would be just as important as my technical savvy.   Since I was expected to lead the organization’s visions whether I agreed with them or not, I would need to empower myself. 
My job was to get my employees on board and implement the organization’s plan.  I knew that I would need to be physically and emotionally healthy to carry out these tasks.  At the time I didn’t have a game plan, but I knew that self-improvement and self-development would become a priority.  How to empower yourself was a question that I needed answers to.   Today, I’m going to share tips on how to empower yourself emotionally.  

becoming empowered

 

First, emotional Intelligence is about self-control.  It’s about having absolute control over your emotions and your life.  It’s portraying  confidence and a high level of self-esteem even when you don’t feel it.  I always think of the saying, “Never let them see you sweat” when I think of emotional intelligence.  I read every book that I could find on emotional intelligence and went to work on myself.  Becoming empowered was the name of the game.

Since management was the last rung on the ladder of my career goals, I was determined to be successful.  My job was to manage a team of IT Specialists and help oversee a million dollar computer system.

I empowered myself by incorporating the following tips into my life.  This included on the job and in my personal life:

Learning to Say No – There’s power in that 2 letter word. It’s one of the most powerful words in the English language and has served me well over the course of the years. At one point I didn’t know how to say no. I was the go to person for everybody in the family. It started wearing on my health, so I had to make a major change in my life by deciding what was my problem and what was theirs. I learned to leave them with their problems.  As a result, they had to grow up and take responsibility for their life.  That freedom empowered me.

Learning to Relax – I started focusing on hobbies that I enjoyed, but neglected. I started scrap booking, crocheting and making other crafts. It’s important to found things you enjoy and just unwind.  It empowers you.

Let Go Of Guilt – Once I learned to say no I also learned to let go of guilt. I would feel guilty if I didn’t do what was being asked of me. Now I say what I mean and mean what I say.  Let the door hit you if you don’t like it. It is so freeing and empowering.

Focus on Solutions – I always told my employees to bring a solution when they bring me a problem. Being a part of a solution is empowering.  It’s simple, write down the problem and than write down a solution.  Make changes to your solution when or if it is needed.

Stay Positive – A positive attitude will take you a long way, and you will feel better about yourself.  Who wants to follow someone with a bad attitude?  People want to connect with positive energy.  They find it empowering!

Exercise Regularly – Get some form of exercise everyday.  I had to change my attitude toward exercising.  I hate it and would find any exercise to avoid it.  Previously I thought if I couldn’t get at least 30 minutes in it was unproductive.  So not true, 10, 15, 20 minutes is better than nothing.  I still haven’t mastered this one I’m a work in progress, but I do understand the importance and benefits so I’m striving to get better each day.

The biggest lesson that I learned on my emotional intelligence journey is that our emotions drive our actions. Your emotions can lead to your success or your failure.  Become steadfast, and don’t move unless you choose to be moved.  This determination has required me to remain emotionless at times.

I have learned that people look for reactions, and when you don’t give them one they have to rethink their game plan.  The greatest satisfaction is walking away and seeing them with a puzzled look on their face because you didn’t give them what they wanted.  That is empowerment.

Unfortunately, the business world still needs to deal with women’s issues. There are still men who think that women are too emotional and shouldn’t be in leadership positions.  On the other side of the spectrum, there are other women who try to press your buttons because they don’t want to see you successful either.  Becoming empowered and emotional intelligence will help you be successful in all areas of your life.

 



You may also like Finding Your Self-Esteem After Divorce and How I Deal With Toxic People.

Filed Under: Confidence, Empowerment Tagged With: , ,

Dealing With Toxic People In Your Life

November 8, 2014 by
Today, I’m sharing empowerment tips on dealing with toxic people.  For the past few months, I’ve felt a little down.  I’ve felt heavy, fatigued and at times ready to just throw my hands up in dismay.  Why, a toxic relationship.  I have learned over the course of the years to pay attention to my body and how I’m feeling. Once I get in touch with how I’m feeling, I step away and assess why.    
I ask myself, what’s new in my life? How do I feel after an encounter with a family member or friend? Is there something going on at work that’s bothering me? I ask these questions so I can pinpoint what’s happening.  At times I feel this way because of a stressful situation at work, but the majority of time it’s a toxic person who’s spawning poison my way. Toxic people will affect your health and pull you down.

self-confidence, how to deal with toxic people, toxic relationships

 

Over the years, I have learned that I stayed in relationships or friendships way too long.  I never liked giving up on people or things without giving 100% of myself.  But, I’ve learned that the other party must be willing to give 100% of themselves too. If not the relationship is one sided and I must walk away. Walking away has gotten easier for me.  I realized that no relationship is worth suffering over or not getting my needs meet.

I come from a toxic family.  My mother is as toxic as you can get. So, I am quite familiar with toxic people. Toxic people usually come from a dysfunctional background.  They’re usually harboring deep envy, anger or jealousy.  If they don’t get their emotions in check, they manifest in a harmful way.     

 

Dealing with toxic people

 

  • Dishonesty – Dishonest people are people who hid the truth or don’t tell the truth.  In my opinion, one is as bad as the other. When you’re not honest about who you are, what you’re doing or what’s happening in your life you’re depriving the other people of the ability to make judgments that are beneficial to them.
  • Ignoring You – When a person doesn’t return your calls, respond to your text messages or make time for you it can affect your self-esteem.  My motto is if I’m not a priority, you wont’ be one either.  Nobody is so busy that they can’t find the time to respond in some way.
  • Blaming Other People -Toxic people always blame others for their issues and problem.  They create drama, but try to turn things around and they become the victim.  They project themselves on you.  What is true about them, they say about you.
  • Sabotage – They underhandedly and sometimes overtly try to sabotage your happiness and goals. Deep down they really don’t want you to be happy or succeed.  And, they always find something wrong with what you’re trying to achieve.
  • Toxic People Will Pull You Down – They can and will eventually affect your health and your emotional well being. Their behavior causes drama and/or conflict and whatever the situation is the outcome will be negative.

Finally, I learned to run in the opposite direction from toxic people or limit their presence in my life. I see absolutely no benefit to having them around. They’re like quick sand, they will pull you down little by little and eventually you find yourself up to your neck in crap.  Who needs it. Learn to recognize and deal with toxic people before they grab hold of you and pull you down.

You may also like:  Toxic People Quotes

 

Filed Under: Confidence, Empowerment Tagged With: , , ,

Handling Loneliness As a Single Parent

November 4, 2014 by
Today, I’m sharing empowerment advice on handling loneliness as a single parent.  Being a single parent can lead to feeling lonely and unloved?  As a single parent, we rarely talk about our struggles, but we need to be loved too. However, I found that sharing your feelings helps eliminate shame and guilt. We don’t want anyone to know that part of us, but loneliness is felt by many.  You are not alone.
loneliness as a single parent

It’s time for us to let the cat out the bag.  None of us had a immaculate conception.  At some point we had sex that’s how we became mothers and father, right.  Hell some of us had great sex! No matter how strong we become as single parents, deep down we still want to have someone wrap their arms around us.  What’s wrong with being told that we’re beautiful, that we’re loved and that they want to make passion love to us.  It’s a healthy desire.

As single parents, we exert a huge amount of energy into raising our children.  Most of the responsibility of raising  children falls onto the parent who has legal custody.  Because it takes so much energy to raise our children alone, we place ourselves on the back burner.  As a result, we bury our need to be loved because loving our children becomes the priority.  But, at some point our feelings come roaring to the surface.

 

loneliness as a single parent

So, I’m encouraging all of you to say, I feel lonely at times.  Admit that you want someone to love. If you’re alone while reading this post, scream it!  Now I can’t guarantee that a handsome man will appear when you finish, but at least you’re acknowledging those deep down feelings. Talk about it with a friend.  You’re freeing yourself from the guilt of wanting to be with someone.  And, you’re freeing yourself from the pain of not being able to achieve it because of your status.

Furthermore, I worried about dating and having a strange man around my daughter when I was raising her.  The thought of someone molesting her that I was dating or another failed relationship haunted me. I had made mental notes of women who had placed a man before her children.  Or, trusted them around her children and the man ended up abusing them.  Being a single mother is hard enough, I simply couldn’t add that burden to my list of life’s troubles. I realized that I treasured my daughter more than I wanted a relationship.  When she got older, I would consider getting involved again.

 

How to Deal with Feeling Loneliness as a Single Parent:

  • Accept that you deserve to have a little fun and need adult interaction.  Open yourself up to dating and or making new friends.
  • Take a few college courses to better yourself.  First, attending class and doing homework will keep you busy to a point where you don’t have time to focus on being lonely.  Also, I also met great people in my classes and would meet them for a drink or burger after class.
  • Reconnect with old friends, male and female.  Next, they may be receptive to spending time with you and your children.
  • Compile a list of books that you want to read.  So, this can include self-improvement, romance, true crimes and anything else that catches your eye.
  • Learn to cross-stitch, crochet, or scrapbook.  – Finding a hobby that you can do the week-end will help tremendously.  I started scrapbooking and crocheting.  I made scrapbooks for friends and Christmas gifts.
  • Treat yourself on Saturday nights that you don’t have a date.  Burn a candles, put on some soothing music and soak in a hot tub.
  • Check out on-line groups who can relate to your situation.  They are great source of inspiration, a great way to make friends and social networking for business endeavors.
  • Take a sewing class or teach yourself to sew. – Last, learning to sew will help with the expense of purchasing new curtains, throw pillow, kid’s Halloween costumes and more.
  • Have a spa day – Give yourself facials, paint your nails or soak in a hot, bubble bath.  It all helps to reduce stress.

Finally, know that you are not alone and you will eventually find love again.  Good things come to things who wait, but be sure to treat yourself well while you’re waiting. I hope you implement a few of my tips on dealing with loneliness as a single parent.  You may also like7 Ways Single Moms Cope With Loneliness.  


Filed Under: Divorce, Empowerment Tagged With: , ,

5 Reasons You Should Keep Your Word

September 7, 2014 by

Know that what you do or don’t do affects other people in your life.  People want to feel that they can depend on you and that you will be there for them when needed.  They want to know that you’re believable. These traits are essential when you have children involved and also come into play with friendships and intimate relationships.  Not keeping your word is hurtful.    It make people feel unimportant.  Today, we have tips on why you should keep your word.   Keeping your word ensures others that they can depend on you.  And, reliability is a great way to get on the path of empowering yourself.

 

 

 

  • Your children will follow your example – Children do as they see and repeat what they hear.  If you don’t live up to what you say why should they?
  • Demonstrates that you’re untrustworthy –  People don’t trust others who don’t mean what they say and why should they.
  • Could possibly damage the self-esteem of others – If a person depends on you and you constantly let me them down it will eventually affect their self-esteem. They may feel unworthy, not cared for and eventually give up on you or worst themselves.
  • You’re unreliable – You will never become a part of a team or a relationship.  You will demonstrate that you can’t carry your weight and you’re not a team player.  Making a commitment could become a problem.
  • You lack character – Where I come from, your word is your bond.  It’s what makes you stick to another person or a task.  It’s equivalent to a hand shake.  So, character is a reflection of who you are, your values, and your morals.

 

Furthermore, at some point we must all grow up and bend over backwards to keep our word.  Life is not all fun and games, and letting another down can be devastating.  Being responsible is what separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls.  Learn to follow through when you say that you will do something and demonstrate that you can be depended on.

Most importantly, not keeping your word is a serious character flaw that must be improved if you want to be a good parent and maintain other important relationships.  Are you teaching your child to keep their word and are you demonstrating how?  Are you in a friendship or relationship where you are constantly being let down?  If so, you may want to reassess it. People dish out what you’re willing to accept.

 

Filed Under: Confidence, Empowerment Tagged With: , ,

How to Build Self Esteem After Divorce

July 3, 2014 by
Today, I’m sharing empowerment tips on how to build self-esteem after divorce.  First, have you lost your self-esteem after a divorce? I have a little advice for you, “Take yourself off the clearance rack and get behind the glass case”, my friend.  Stop treating yourself like a clearance item rather than a diamond behind a glass case.  If you don’t see yourself as valuable who will.  Being a divorcee doesn’t mean the end of the world.  I’ve been through one, but I learned to place myself in the glass case years ago.   Building self-esteem will empower you.  So, lets get started.
self-esteem after divorce

Women often loose their self-esteem after a divorce.  They become single parents, they take on the responsibilities of the children, upkeep of the house and everything in between.  Their needs often go on the back burner.  As  a result, we become lonely and often loose our way.

So, when we have low self-esteem we have a tendency to look for love in all the wrong places.  And, we settle for less than we deserve because we think we can’t do any better.  I’m here to tell you that you that building self-esteem and self-worth will keep you from many of those mistakes.  When you do, things in your life will change for the best.

Now, find your self-esteem and self-respect before it sinks to the bottom of the ocean.  All that you need is inside of you.  We all come from something, but we can’t go through life blaming everyone else for our demise.   Here’s my story, I came from an alcoholic background and I was a teen mother.  I made bad choices, but those things don’t define who I am.  Those things are simply a part of my journey in this thing called life.  I’ve used the steps below to help in building my self-esteem.

 

How to Build Self-Esteem After Divorce:

 

  • Develop some standards and principles – These are the things that define who you are.
    Learn to distinguish between abuse and constructive criticism – Abuse will tear you down and leave you feeling worthless.  Constructive criticism will help you improve who you are.
  • Become self sufficient – Needy people open themselves up to becoming a doormat.  Become self-sufficient. It helps build confidence and self-worth.
  • Get healthy – When you get healthy physically, it will improve your emotional and mental health as well.
  • Get rid of negativity – This includes negative people and negative thoughts about yourself.
  • Change your circle – Socialize with successful people and those who respect you.

 

building self esteem

 

 

  • Know the difference between respect and confidence – Respect is about what you do, confidence is about how you feel.
  • Show respect for yourself and others – If you want people to respect you, you must respect other people.
  • Learn to remove yourself from destructive situations – If a relationship is not nourishing or helping you to grow, get out and move on.
  • Motivation – Get motivated and stay motivated. Don’t allows others to bring you down.  Read self-help books, attend seminars or get a mentor.  Just stay in your zone and stay on course.
Finally, know that you won’t evolve over night.  However, you can change negative thoughts about yourself and discover your self-worth again.  Raising your self-esteem after divorce will take dedication and hard work, but you can renew you.  Most importantly, underneath the layers you will find a respectful and confident you.  
So, we hope that you have found our tips on how to build self-esteem after your divorce beneficial. You may also like: How to Empower Yourself Emotionally and Improving Self Esteem.


  

Filed Under: Divorce, Empowerment Tagged With: , , ,

6 Tips To Deal With Stress and Anger

May 28, 2014 by

How do you deal with your stress and anger?  Do you keep your monster hidden?  Women have been groomed to be lady like.  We’ve been taught to hold things in and take care of our family and home. Suck it up! Pray about it or just forget it.  We’re the backbone, the care givers, we make it work. Who has time to think about the stress or anger that we’re feeling, right?

Furthermore, if we do take the time to get in touch with what we’re feeling somebody wants sex, a cookie or Peppa the Pig turned on. We go to bed exhausted, thrive on a few hours of sleep and get up the next morning and do it all over again.  It leads to stress and more stress.  And, when we finally explode or end up sick because we haven’t dealt with anything.  W’re looked at as if we’re crazy.  Nobody saw it coming, because it’s our job to hold it down and together.  Today, I’m sharing empowerment tips on how to deal with stress and anger.

 

how to deal with stress

 

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Also, anger and stress can cause hair loss, weight gain, weight loss, it can lead to depression and a host of other health issues.  Ladies, we must learn how to deal with stress and anger before it starts affecting our health.  So, don’t pretend that you don’t feel angry, stressed or get overwhelmed at times. Parenting and managing a home are huge responsibilities.  It gets the best of us at times and we should feel no shame.

Here are a few tips on how I deal with stress and anger:

Exercise – Walking or hitting the treadmill is a great way to work off stress and anger.  A walk through the neighborhood, park or your apartment complex is good.

Remove yourself from people and situations that are not healthy – You know who and what I’m talking about. Lets face it, some people can be toxic. They complain all day and all night.  There’s no happiness within and there never will be.  Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

 

how to deal with stress

 

Accept that you can’t help everybody – There are many people in need, unfortunately we can’t help them all.  I’ve learned that the world is full of people who are down on their luck, but there are also people who don’t want to help themselves.  They would rather have others work and take care of them.  Place your focus on you and your family.

Get proper rest – I’ve found that I don’t need as much sleep as I used to.  Imagine that.  I used to need at least 8 hours, but I can function on 6 or 7 now.  I need that extra hour to blog!

Find a hobby – Spend a few hours a week working on it your hobby.  I unplug and turn to scrapbooking, gardening or reading a magazine or book. I also enjoy playing games on-line.

Discuss your feelings –  Share your feelings with the person you’re angry with or discuss it with your husband, significant other or a girlfriend.   Don’t ignore your stress or anger.  Talk about it and leave it on the table.  Sometimes just having someone to listen is all we need.

Finally, what techniques do you use to de-stress or release anger or frustration?  Most importantly, we hope that you will incorporate our tips into your life.

Filed Under: Women's Health Tagged With: , ,

8 Reasons Dads Are Winning Custody

April 28, 2014 by

Dads are winning custody.  Times have changed and most courts are no longer awarding child custody to moms.  Many years ago moms getting custody was the standard.  Most of the time, moms were given custody in divorces or in relationships that didn’t work out.  This is no longer the standard.  There’s a new generation of men, and along with them comes a new attitude.  Furthermore, they’re bring a new perspective and a will to fight for their children.  News Flash – they’re winning.  Today, I’m sharing tips on why dads are winning custody of their children.  Knowledge is power, and power will help empower you.

 

 

child custody

 

 

I’ve watched four of my nephews over the years win custody of their children. Yes, I said three.  I have a lot of nephews, if we look at the big picture four is a small number.  However, I’ve been on the inside of how and why they’re winning.  I’m proud to say they’re doing an excellent job of raising their children too.  When the first nephew went to court, I thought his chances of winning were slim. He came ready for the game, hit the ball out of the park and walked away with his son.

The second, third and fourth nephews followed with custody battles for their children.  They all came out winners. The first nephew that I talked about shares custody with his son’s mother; however, she knows that she better walk a straight and narrow line.  Otherwise, he will win.  As a matter of fact, his son is now old enough now to tell the court who he wants to live with.  If he has to choose, it will be his dad.  The second and third nephews have have full custody of their sons too.

Here’s a few reasons why dads are winning custody from my perspective:

1)  First, men are ensuring they are involved in all aspects of their child’s upbringing.  They are involved in feedings, changed diapers, and providing financial, emotional and physical support from day one.

2)  Women today have outdated thinking.  They still think the man owes them. Often they don’t realize the importance of being self-sufficient.  Not one of my nephews relies on the system for food stamps, medical care or anything else for their children.  They buy food, clothes, provide insurance, pay for recreational activities etc.  They are not handing money over to mom for child support, they pay for the purchases directly and track the expenses.

3)  Next, men are involved in their children’s recreational activities, attend parent and teachers conferences, assist with homework etc.  There’s no mommy or daddy duties.  They can perform as well as mom.

4)  They established joint custody early.  Furthermore, they were smart enough to establish days of custody and times documented through court.   Because they have joint custody at least 50% of the time, most are not obligated to pay child support. Their money goes toward the expenses in their own homes for their children.

 

child custody battles

 

 

5) Providing a stable environment that is not subsidized by taxpayers/the state is a plus. The first nephew has a home, and the other two have townhouses.  Judges love saving the state money.

6)  Additionally, they are involved in community service, coach their children in sports, and strive to set examples.  Their children are taken to shows, professional games, have yearly birthday parties, summer vacations at the beach, involved in other family activities and attend church.

7)  They consistently strive to improve educationally and professionally.  Two of my nephews have opened a business together while raising their children.  None of them are stay at home dads. They know they have to work in order to provide for their children and themselves.  They’re doing it all, and each of their children are excelling all around.  The ability to parent and provide are impressing judges.

 8)  They obtain legal representation who come out swinging.  None of my nephews played dirty in their efforts to seek custody.  They won on their ability to parent, their character and their desire to be in their children’s life.

It’s a new day, and if we as women don’t change our thinking and get in position to win many may find themselves on the outside looking in.  Not all men are interested in finding out if the grass is greener on the other side.  When they have children and their marriages and relationships don’t work they are willing to fight these days. Some are making their children a priority, and they don’t need a women to assist them. They have family and community support, and they’re putting it to use in a positive way.

When I say educate yourself and get in position, it doesn’t have anything to do with being a Welfare Queen or any other stereotype from the 70’s and 80’s.  This type of thinking is what I’m talking about in Reason 2 and why men are winning. There’s nothing wrong with seeking assistance to get on your feet, but it should not become a way of life.  The world has changed and you need to become aware of what’s happening around you.  Society is now seeing things differently, and men are seeing their roles differently.

Finally, you must put on your suit of armor and gear up for the fight if you believe you could end up in a custody battle.  It is rare that a storm hits without warning.  Drugs, abusing alcohol, beating their partners, or hanging out in clubs are not a part of these men’s life. I’m talking about real men who are willing and capable of raising their children.  Strive for joint custody, and work diligently to co-parent.

You may also like:  Why Dads Are Winning Custody

 




Filed Under: Divorce, Empowerment Tagged With: ,

Tips on Succeeding As a Single Parent

April 20, 2014 by

Today, I’m sharing parenting advice on succeeding as a single parent.  Raising children as a single parent, whether you’re a mother or father, can be exhausting.  It takes focus, strength and determination to succeed, but it can be done.  I am living proof that it can be done.

 

 

 

 

succeeding as a single parent

 

 

So, if we accept that each and every one of us are where we are because of decisions that we’ve made, we will be more willing to make better decisions.  Life doesn’t have an eraser, and as long as we continue to make bad choices we will come up short. Life is not perfect, we will all fail from time to time.  But, don’t let poor decision making be what’s driving you.  
You should know that when you decide to change courses, drive will be what takes you from Point A to Point B and beyond.  If you don’t have any drive get some.  You must be willing to dig deep inside of yourself when you feel you can’t go on.  Furthermore,  you must be willing to make sacrifices.  Life isn’t easy, and the world doesn’t owe you anything just because of you’re a single parent.

Most importantly, I refused to allow myself to fall into the stereotypes that society has set aside for single mothers. Have you noticed that single dads are praised for their endeavors, but women are looked at differently?  Unfair maybe, but it is indeed a fact. I refused to depend on the system to take care of me or my child, and I have no regrets about my decision!  I believe the system should be a stepping stone if it’s going to be used.  But that is simply my belief.   

 

Succeeding As a Single Parent: 

 

  • Become Determined –   Decide that you’re going to make it and nothing will stop you. You have to be focused and determined. 
  • When the going gets tough, dig deep within and find the strength.  Know the strength is there and your child or children need you to plow on. 
  • Listen to your intuition –   It is usually right.  I’ve lost count of the number of times I looked the other way when I should have been paying attention to that little voice inside.  
  • Decide that you’re going to be a good example for your children  –  Become the person that you would like them to be.  (Think about the characteristics that are important to you, honesty, reliable, etc.)  

 

 

succeeding as a single parent

 

 

  • Remember, the world doesn’t owe you anything – You need to make your mark and become self sufficient. You’ll feel much better about yourself.  
  • Develop a plan –  You must plan in order to be successful.  Decide what you want to do and what you need to do to accomplish your goals.      
  • Find support either on-line or in your community  – You’re not alone.   
  • Always make your children a priority – You can balance a job and your home.  Women do it every day.  If you need to enhance your skills before seeking a job, get in a program where you can get assistance.  Finding balance is key.  
  • Don’t neglect yourself  – You need to feel good about yourself.  When you feel good about yourself you’ll achieve more.  
  • Find a higher power or church – It’s important that you believe in someone or something other than you.  You will be calling on them for strength and support along your journey.     
Succeeding as a single parent has been accomplished by many.  Again, I am speaking from experience. Please share some of your struggles and how you’ve overcome them as a single mother.  There may be someone who can relate and build on your tips.  You may also like Tips for Raising a Child Alone. 

 

Filed Under: Confidence Tagged With: , , ,

10 Steps To Deal With Grief From A Breakup

March 19, 2014 by
Trying to mend a broken heart from a breakup or divorce? I’ve been there and it can be a rough road.  Grief from a breakup can cause you to want to die or at least feel that you are.  You may try to rekindle the relationship by plotting a scheme on how on you can get him or her back.  Calling, texting, or checking their  Facebook page enters your mind.  You may even drive by their house or have conversations with their friends to get advice on how to work things out. Today, I’m sharing tips on how to survive a divorce or breakup.  Knowing that there is life after a divorce or breakup is empowering.  

grief from a breakup

 

 

STOP!   Take a deep breath, regroup and focus on you.  I know it’s hard, but you have to do it so that you can start the healing process.  It’s the only way you can move on with your life.  If you were unable to resolve your differences and you’re in the grieving process, you need to get real.  You had some serious problems that sent you or your partner in the opposite direction.

Next, if you couldn’t resolve your problems when you where together, it’s doubtful that they will ever be resolved.   Sometimes we just outgrow each other.  I knew, I’ve already walked in your shoes.  Here’s a quote that I want you to absorb:  “God will sometimes end a relationship for your protection.  Don’t chase after the person he’s trying to save you from.” – Trent Shelton.

Sometimes you see it coming and sometimes you don’t.  However, the longer you try to hold on the longer you will endure pain.  Ending a relationship with someone that you vowed to spend the rest of your life with or you have fell deeply in love with is like a death.  I have experienced both and you grieve over both losses.  Just as important, you may become angry or you don’t want to get out of bed.  You may cry until the well runs dry and the list goes on.  I went through this when my ex-husband and I divorced, and when I lost my father to cancer.  Grief from a breakup whether in love or death is painful.

 I survived and you can too.  Here’s how:

  1. Know that you life is not over, your lovable and you’re moving on to the next chapter in your life.
  2. You’re not a failure, you were smart enough to know when it was time to get out.
  3. Your children will be fine.  There are millions of children in the world who come from divorced homes and they don’t turn out to be rapists or bank robbers.
  4. Pamper yourself during this time period.  You must treat yourself well and know that you deserve it.  Don’t run your credit cards up, just treat yourself occasionally.
  5. Don’t jump into another relationship.  Next, rebounds are not wise and they rarely work.
  6. Set small goals for yourself.  This would be a good time to join a gym and work off some stress.  If you can’t afford a gym, find a safe place to walk.  It’s a good way to think and clear your head.
  7. Limit yourself on the number of conversations that you have about him/her.  It will only prolong your healing.
  8. Enhance your job skills, your household income will be less.  So, don’t depend on anything other than child support.  Unless you are married to a million, women are rarely awarded alimony. Get a job and in the meantime, enhance your skills so you can get a better one.  There are programs available to assist you.  Reach out.
  9. Find a church, you need to renew your faith to get you through the rough times.
  10. Get focused! Last, you will be heading up your household and leading the way for your children.   

 

divorce tips

 

 

Additionally, remember to start your grieving process slowly.  And make sure you work through all stages.  Otherwise, you will only be placing band-aids on open wounds.  You will experience many emotions.  So, there will be sadness, anger, bitterness, loneliness and why me sessions.  Know that emotions are temporary and it’s okay to experience them.

Furthermore, your ex will move on and begin dating again.  Prepare yourself, and whatever you do, don’t approach the other woman.  She can’t be with him if he doesn’t want to be with her.  You don’t want your children to find out that you handled things in this manner.

Last, give yourself plenty of time to heal.  Check out my post on Divorce Cakes for a laugh.  Laughing is good for the soul.  It’s a wonderful feeling when you’re ready to move on.  You will come out of it stronger, wiser and a better person for your struggle.  It’s unwise to try to hold on to something that no longer exists.  Most importantly, let it go so you can free yourself  for someone who is deserving of you and your love.  
                                                                            













Filed Under: Divorce, Empowerment Tagged With: , ,

When Mom’s the Breadwinner

March 12, 2014 by

Are you the breadwinner in your family and feeling guilty because you’re not a stay at home mom?  If you’re a single mother, your chances of being a stay at home mom are slim.  That is unless you hit the jackpot with child support payments or have another income added to your bank account.  Neither of those things happened for me.  I felt guilty leaving my daughter when I headed out to work, but someone had to bring income into the home so bills could be paid.  That someone was me.  Today, I’m going to share a few tips for women breadwinners.  They will leave you smiling and empowered.   

 

 

single mothers

 

Unfortunately, being a single mother is not easy. However, you must get over your guilt if you’re feeling any.  I missed my daughter’s first step and her first time being successful using the potty because I was working. I finally had to make peace with my situation and accept the fact that I had to provide for us.  After all,  the child support I was receiving barely paid for her child care let alone pay the other bills.

I wondered how working outside the home would affect my daughter.  Would she grow up thinking that moms who stayed at home or who had husbands who provided was abnormal.  I wondered if not having her dad in the home as a role model would affect her negatively.  So many things went through my mind.  When I was growing up, my mother took care of the home while my father worked. You know the traditional woman versus man duties. Mom cooks, cleans, does laundry and dad works, mows the lawn, fixes the pipes.

I soon realized that times had changed.  The work force was full of women who had husbands and children, and still managed to run their homes.  The work force was also full of divorced or single women who also ran their homes, had children in school who were doing well and some had gone on to become lawyers, doctors and whatever else they choose.  I realized that the household that I grew up in was no longer the norm in society.  Women had moved up and on.  They had become multitasking moms and no longer fell into that traditional stay at home role.  We were proudly taking our place as women breadwinners and our current situations.

I also decided that I would never be my mother!  I love her for everything she did when I was growing up, I learned a lot.  She thought my sister and I going into the work force and becoming non-traditional mothers was strange. Now she sees that it’s the new normal.  We have an army of women breadwinners and we are marching with pride.

 

 

single parents

 

My daughter and I had several discussions about her father and me having to work to provide for us.  She understood that I wasn’t the only single mother in the world.  She had friends who had single mothers too. I continued to provide and she continued to excel because she had all the love and the necessities that she needed without a father in the home.  Here are a few lessons that she learned:

  • A mother’s love is the strongest love on this earth
  • She had a strong mother who taught her to be a strong woman and mother
  • Welfare and other public assistance is not an option when you’re able to work
  • Always work to better yourself and don’t blame others for you decisions
  • We don’t live in a perfect world
  • Break circles when you need to
  • There are children who have fathers in the home who are drunks, drug addicts or who just don’t contribute and live off their wife or girlfriend

 

So if you’re in the group of women bread winners or sole provider for your child or children, you’re doing your job as a mother.  You will find that it gives you a sense of purpose, and they will respect you for everything you’ve done for them.  Single mothers raised these leaders and celebrities:

  • Judge Greg Mathis
  • President Obama
  • President Clinton
  • Mary J Blige
  • Pierce Brosnan
  • Tom Cruise
  • Al Pacino
  • Barbara Streisand
  • Mariah Carey
  • Halle Berry
Our children may not grow up to be presidents and celebrities, but we don’t have to feel guilty as women breadwinners, single mothers and neither do our children.  Stand proud, stay strong and earn that bread!
 
Filed Under: Empowerment, Finances Tagged With: , ,