How To Establish Boundaries for Grandparents

                                                 My grandson and I at the pumpkin patch


I love my role as a grandmother. I’ve been a proud grandmother for 7 years, and I actually see my role no differently from my daughter’s. I want the best for my grandchildren just like my daughter and son-in-law.    


Grandparents have an obligation to ensure our grandchildren are healthy, nourished, clothed, educated, have a roof over their heads, and enjoy life too.  It’s important that we create memories of them spending time with us as well.  How many children do you know that protest going to visit their grandparents?  There’s a reason for that, and that’s why we have the title “Grand”.  

                                                        Zarriah, sleepy, at Myrtle Beach, SC

It’s a special relationship, one that differs somewhat from raising our sons and daughters.  We have more experience in the parenting field, know the history of the family and most times in a better financial position than we were when we were raising our children.  My daughter and son-in-law depend on me to assist in the upbringing of their children, but they made it clear that they are the parents and I needed to abide by their rules and wishes. Establishing boundaries for grandparents is simple, have a conversation with your parents and talk about expectations.   


Accepting my daughter’s wishes was a hard hard pill for me to swallow, but I knew that I did not want to jeopardize my relationship with my grandchildren or my children, so I swallowed it.  There are times when they are being disciplined that I really have to bit my tongue and not pull rank. I will eventually make things better, but I have learned to be respectful.  Because I have made a conscious decision to not overstep boundaries, I have been able to build a great relationship with my grandchildren without offending my children. 

                                       My grandson and his grandfather at the carnival

Here’s a few tips for establishing a great relationship with your grandchildren without interfering with the parent’s rules and wishes:


  • Don’t cross the lines –  Children need to understand the roles of the adults in their life and see that you’re on the same page as mom and dad.
  • Establish traditions with your grandchildren –  Each year I take Xavier to the pumpkin patch and make sure he gives Santa his Christmas list.  Zarriah is now old enough to be included in these traditions.  
  • Create memories that are only available at grandma and granddad’s – I make special pancakes and waffles for their breakfast when they’re visiting.  We have craft time, go out to lunch or dinner, and they love MawMaw’s chicken wings. My daughter does not attempt to duplicate any of these special moments.    
  • If you’re divorced and I am, demonstrate that you can co-grandparent – I ensure my ex-husband is involved in activities at my home when they’re visiting.  (Gaga is participating in Xavier’s visit above).  
  • Become involved in their school and after school activities – I make an effort to meet teachers, attend school and sporting events etc.  I want to know who’s responsible for their education, who’s providing child care and I want them to know me.  
  • Keep the children on track – Stay on schedule with bedtimes, bath times, manners and discipline.  You don’t want to cause any setbacks for the parents.
  • Be creative – Tell them a story about your upbringing or their parents.  My granddaughter loves for me to make up stores about her being a princess and including family members.   
  • Become the family historian – Talk about other family members and your memories of them.  
  • Polish your craft skills – Children love making things for parents and grandparents.  
  • Take your grandchildren on a road trip – Spend a few days at the beach, camping or snow tubing.  They will remember it forever.  
  • Never discuss conflicting issues in front of the children – If there are disagreements on raising them, discipline concerns etc., discuss them away from the children.  
  • Keep the lines of communication open – Let your children know that you’re available for advice on parenting or just to listen. My daughter values my opinion on raising the children and life.   

My daughter enjoys listening to me tell the children stories and watching us make cookie and brownie treats. She looks forward to me visiting and spending time with the children, because she knows that I respect her as a mother. In return, she respects me as their grandmother. Many times she wants to participate in the activities as well. It’s a great feeling when she calls and asks when I’m coming to visit.  

My advice to parents, accept that grandparents play a special role in a child’s life. We’re sugar queens and kings and we become sneaky creatures. Yes, our perspective on things have changed from when we raised you. We can justify anything that our grandchildren do as long as they’re not bringing harm to themselves. Our job was to get you out of the house, our job now is to get our grandchildren in.

You may also like:  Celebrity Grandparents

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Comments

  1. Pinning! Thanks for sharing this at Totally Terrific Tuesday last week. I can't wait to see what you have lined up for this week!

    Sharon
    Her Organized Chaos

  2. This is lovely Rhonda. I love your list. I am very lucky to have a wonderful nana in my mother-in-law. She is a great teacher & very respectful of the rules that we have set as a family.

  3. This is a great article and I agree wholeheartedly. I want to be important in my grandson's life but not at the expense of my daughter's importance either. I just want to be there whenever I am needed.

  4. May I please get on your soap box on this? I couldn't agree more. We are respectful of Amara's parents so we have no problems, if anything it has brought her Mommy and I even closer. We have friends however where this is not the case. The grandmother blatantly breaks all the rules and it has definitely driven a wedge between the parents and the grandparents.

    I would also like to join you in encouraging more grandparents to get involved at school! I am fortunate enough to get to volunteer often at Amara's school and I get so much out of it and so do the students. I had to work more than full time when Jenna was growing up and missed a lot. Being a volunteer Grandma has given me a chance to make up for a lot of the things I missed. I highly recommend it!

    • Free feel to get on my soap box anytime Kc. I love my relationship with my daughter and my grandchildren. I would never do anything to jeopardize that, and I don't understand parents who don't respect their children's wishes. I hope they soon learn, and aren't removed from their grandchildren's life.

  5. Great share Rhonda. I look forward to this day many years from now but I have to start to prep for respecting my daughters wishes when the time comes so thanks for the tips 🙂

    • There's nothing like being a grandmother. I never thought my daughter would be a mother. I was quite surprised when she announced her first pregnancy. Can't express the excitement, I've been blessed with a grandson and granddaughter. It's a very special time for me.